i think i need some credit and a shag
and a ciggerette

 i feel worthless 
I can't lose weight, i'm ugly, single, people think i'm a tart, everyone else has some one motivation, a partner, love, looks.
god damn.
2,472cals.
i'm getting drunk.

AHHH!
My mum just went to tesco, and i know she's trying to be nice, she's so lovely, but Ugh, she's just bought LOADS of chocolate and she's trying to make me eat it, i think i might cry,
  i know she's just trying to cheer me up about ex stuff, but chocolate is not the way! 
i was Bare happy this morning i've lost 4lbs since wednesday and only ate a pizza yesterday, i know that's bad but i was planning to eat more cus i'd be drinking but anyway, and then buys lots of chocolate, 
she kept asking, do you want the egg? or a paket of sweets? and i know she was being nice but i just wanted to scream,
Nothing i don't want any of it take it away from me.
so now i have a packet of sweets in front of me.
                               If eat them i Will get fat.
Balls, i've just been really proud of my self in the past 4 days becuase i've been really focused, and controlled and it's easter, and i don't want to slip back into being a slob, even from four days i can see little changes, it just shows how disgusting i was, like now i can see my collar bones SOOOOO much more, when before you could see them a bit but they looked like chinese spare ribs, like coverd in ichy fatty ugh, now they're more like celery curves.
i'm not going to sacrifice my celery curves for fatty ribs, just for the sake of a few "mars planets" BAH
Mars can take their planets and swivel.
  How will i resist all the chocolate tomorrow? my mum'll get suspicous if i don't eat it, i am such a glutton.
But it's soo much sugaar! What do i do? what is everyone else doing? How easy do you think it'll be to purge chocolate? Is there anything i could eat before to make it easier to purge? x

I've just had a 2 week binge
i am disgusting, i've gained 10lbs, and i'm so confused.
  when i was 8lbs away from my gw, i wasn't happy. the numbers meant nothing to me and i just gave up. but now i've gained,
 it's not like i want to die.. i just don't want to eat, or crave food. Because when i eat, i feel soo bad i dunno why i do it,

and it made it even worse because i was talking to my bf, about her saying i really wanna help her and he just asked if i had ed. Which ANnoys me, because i've been eating soo much lately, the only ed i have is obesity. But then when my mates talk about weight they always exclude Me because i'm a smaller size than then me. I hate it.
Because then it makes it even worse, when i binge because if i get any fatter, i know it sounds dumb, but i swear they'd like, leave me, or like me less.
grrr. i do really want this. it just seems so far.
But it IS worth it.
What dyou guys think? am i just superficial? Or am i actually helping myself? 

Oh god, i've let myself go.. 
Binging for three weeks
i'm 110, more 111. I'm 17.5 bmi.
What am i doing?
My mates were talking about ed and both my mate said they ate like, nothing in years 9/10. 
I had no idea i really didn't car eabout anything like this, then..
i really don't know, whether 111lbs is too big or not.. i'm so confused, i really don't  know what i want.

I don't know whether i want to eat or not.
this is so dumb i was with my other mate the other day, and she's ana and she won't touch fatty foods incase the fat goes into her skin, and she was saying in passing she was crying loads before she came out, but i know thats becasue she thinks she's fat an ugly but she's not. I don't know i'm really not like that at all. But i LOVE not eating, Love it. 
Self control but i always get so hungry i hate it.

i would feeel Loads better
but i feel alright when i eat i just feeel bad.
i got stoned last night and it was great i looked in the mirror and was like WOAH! check it out.. 
then woke up in the morning and was like WOAH! i looked like a witch.

maybe ill just eat fruit.
 x

i binged allday
i purged
i feel fat.

in fact i won't leave it at that i was going to just eat and then feel bad but then rob said his ex went round his to pick up some stuff and then i was like OMG i'm eating i'm going to get fat he'll hate me. *sigh* he hasn't seen the bigger me, he said i should eat more. pfft, that boy talk for "i dont' care give us a shag" 
my mum says i can't stay out friday. grrr. i'm a cock no one'll love me if i don't put out!!!!!!!!
i don't wanna be alooone!!
i snooped "becky's" myspace, she's well pretty and totally not like me she looks all funny and cofident and outgoing and she has loads of picture of her an her mates in pizza express me and my mates are soo not even close to the kind of m/c behaviour the closest we get to indoors is a pub, or a car park, we're such street rats!
pffftttt.. i've lost my english book. 
i need love.
i feel insecure
they broke up in october thats like i don't think i can handle having to keep someone; i'm a bunny boiler.
i boil 'em and eat 'em like a fat mo'fucka.
grrrrrrrrrrr.
shoot me? 
x

i'm so stressed, i cna't Do anything i've just eaten like 700cals and it's only 10.34, i've only been awake an hour and a half,
i feel really sick but i can't purge, i tried.. i was on my target too, like i was meant to be what i was today, and now i'm not, i wish you could just cut myself open and take it back out.
no matter what i do i always mess everything up for myself. it's like i want to fail.

Is it possible to spam your Own blog?

Stats
weight, 102.0
height, 5'6.7"
BMI, 16.1
lbs to lose, 7
Yep yep. 
lol i'm hyp-parrr
when i was pissed saturday, ahh i totally forgot; i put my hands around my legs and before i couldn't fit them the whole way round, but now,
TADAHHH!
i can, ohh yeah, i put robs hands round them, and he was like omg you're like, tiny. :D
haha he hands are massive.
urgh i'm actually sickening, i think i shouldn't like him this much. I hate being happy, like the unhappy half of me hates me being happy. 
i told rob my spot pills were for scizophrenia yesterday cus he asked, and like he believed me he was like oh, tells you all something about me.. 
anyway back to the essay.
Big up to the sports psychology Masthive
haha.
x

 i really like rob, we're going out i just really want to eat,
i was 101 last night. BOW!
urgh he;s soooo mmmm, *GRIN*
i'm watching about a boy it's great.. ROb says he loves lying next to me. and he was like "you're gun leave me when you go to uni" awwwww,
and he like mocked my speech. it's so cute, i really wanted someone like that knows me, and we get along so well. 
i've got that love feeling *GRIN*
but i think i may have some cereal and a hot cross bun? hmmm, i'm confusing my metabolism.. 
he siad i had an amazing body and a nice bum :D urgh he's so sweet. and he said i look cute when i sleep. i've always wanted someone to watch me when i sleep.lol i'm so weird.. and he has no minor detail, hahahaha. 
ha.
 i hate my menstrual cycle.

ok last night i had 1742cals, wtf the fuck. I weighed befroe i went to bed i was 102.0!! SOOOOO happy now i'm 104 :( i just got my weight graph i was soo  happy until i found i should be at least 103.3 today. wtf. I feel like a failure.
last night was both good and bad, 
It was bad because loads of really skinny gorgeous girls came in and were talking to this boy i used to be with and i felt sooooooo fat and ugly, and really really upset, i still am i abit now, i really shouldn't care, but i really wanted to talk online to the girlies and boys about it, but i couldn't so i talked to april and (this is good) and she said that she thought i had a really nice figure and was jealous when i was playing pool, becuase i looked fit, lol. and rob siad he really liked my top *smile* 
 But i feel like such a fake. I ate pasta last night and i took loads of crap upstair cus i was piiiisssseeeeed and i was gun' eat it but didnt cus i weighed myself, and i thought to take it back downstairs in the morning cus people are coming over tonight but i thought "no i'll leave it there" Why would i do that!? what's wrong with me. I'm such a loser.
i feel really ashamed of myself.
ashamed of like everything.
i never knew what the feeling was like why i'm so anxious on dates and around boys and with boys etc, until we were doing about stuff in psychology and the teacher said some sports people don't perform well becuase they don't want to feel ashamed if they lose when they try their best, or soemthing like that.. and that's what it is. i am ashamed. lol the words lost all meaning now.
But yeah last night we went to D after the run and gayboyel and holly had a fight and gayboyel was like Emily why d'you always have to look so fit, and i was like "ok gayboyel lets not start this again".. i felt complimented but like i know he didnt mean it, like it is a joke, i find that really depressing that me being fit is part of a joke that he use to get back at holly..
i asked rob if he liked me skinny and he said yeah but he woulnd't mind me and abit bigger and i said why and he said he didnt know.. lol. he blatantly only said becuase that's what you're meant to say. 
i really wanna be 102 by the end of today
urgh i have loads of sports and i swear when i put on make up i look like a bloody drag queen. I'm an anxious attention seeking (i took psychological tests) stupid, undermotivated, square, confused, lanky, spotty, hormonal, big nosed; sleepy twat.
i feel rather disgusted at myself.. 
i want to be a really amazing person, and i really dont want attention for saying this.. i just need to say it to myself, just so i can match up to my dad, and make my mum pround and not feel so alone, but the fact of the matter is i'm too bloody self centred and self involed and selfish, and vain, and totally up myself, to be that person. I think i'm sooo fucking great, that everyone should like me and i'm better than people becuase i have more control, but i have none, i can't take things seriously, i'm losing empathy for other peopl and becoming so self involved like those bitchy girls in films and i fucking love it; but i'm shit. 
i think boys want me that i'm a tease; but they love it, i'm slag who's a virgin. I'm shit, i can't even be a slag right. i'm just an attention seeker. I feel so shit. 
i really do need to be punished, 
i'm always over indulging. Ahhh i'm so annoying. 
this is the one and only most important thing i'll do in my whole life, be me, and i'm fucking it up. 
i feel so shit and weak and ugly and totally URGH.
i feel like a mould, like gum stuck to the floor, or a dirty fag butt in those ashtrays on top of bins.
i'm soo sick, of this waste.
i wanna be really thin like instantly, but it don't deserve it. 
i deserve starving myself.
i don't deserve all the amazing people around me, i'm sucha snob, i think i'm better that people that are absolutely amazing, everyone i love i bitch at. I'm such a horrible person.
i deserve lonliness. 
i think that's why i'm so pessimistic when good things happen becuase i knwo i don't deserve them and soon they'll go away. 
i hate myself; because i love myself so much.

i Feel like Two people. two people that fucking hate the fuck out of each other.

 ok, so it's friday i'm going to go out and i really want food i feel soo good i'm 103.8 i never been 103.8 *GRIN* but this is what happened last week i got down to 104 and then binged all weekend and it took me a week to get back down, i went up to 109lbs, tell me about it.. 
 but i've only had 1000cal (roughly) in the past 5 days, soooo, and my bmr is 1,400x4= 5600cal, 
 5600cal
-1000cal
=4600cal, so if i eat 900cal today it,
*sigh* i can't eat anything, if i do i'll cry; urgh! i can't calorie count everything, i hate it! i need to know, i'm not going to eat tomorrow, oh, i'm so emotional.
i feel so weak and tired, i know i can do this; i just have to try, i think i'm trying to blag my binge to myself as "part of my diet" pfft, i'm sucha f*cker, i hate myself.
why am i so annoying..

and hungry.
i really want to get to 103 by the end of this week, i dont think i could do it but at least by wednesday i want to be 103. i hope i dont gain too much today.
i can do this
i really can,
i've got a mock exam and anessay do to do, and lots of food not to eat..

x

just had my last re-take exam, 2 down, *counts* errr... haha i'm so shit, 5 to go.. woop woop. I'm at college it's wank, i wanna go look at almost perfect but i don't want anyone to see!! it's so sad :( all i can think about is food and like picture of ribs and backs, nice.. i LOVE looking at it all.
So yeah, today i ate some celery, -4cals, and fruit salad befroe my exam, (102cals) oh yeah. I got sucha bad craving for maryland chocolate chip and hazelnut cookies, yum yum but not in my tum. i hopw i dont binge tomorrow i'm trying to confuse my metabolism so i can eat when i want to with out feeling tooo badly about it, i haven't messed up yet which is good, but it's also good, cus i get to not eatwhen i'm not hungry i've been 104/105 for two days, i weigh myself so much it's seems longer.. but yeah two days, no more no less i am going down, i can see it a bit in my skin.. but yeah. So today i'm gun' go home and say that i ate maccy D's with my mate and that i'm not hungry. KEERRRCHING. I just really need tobacco.. i wish i was 18, not too long now, but it relly helps.. hmmph i'm sure i can do it i mean i can, i'm gun' do some of an essay tomorrw which should stop me eating too much i had, 
101cals today
>500cal yesterday
>100cal tuesday
and 900 cal monday so that's
1601 cals all week, s'awwite gots to go blag bacci and then work... bad times xxxxxxxx

 i stepped on the scales today expecting bad bad things, ate a whole chocolate pudding thing, 884cal, and tried to purge, didn't work.. had around 1700 +cals in total, i was 108lbs this morning, that's the highest i've been in a week! it doesn't seem like a long time but it is, but anyway, i ate only celery today and not much of it, i smoked like a chimeny and mum said she wasn't hungry so i just had an omelette with peppers and tomatoes and mushrooms, (198cals) but i ate half if not less, (put it in a bag while mum did washing up; how rebellious) so that's 99cals, and 3 pieces of gum, (15>cals) and i tunred down my mate when she offered me one of the really nice choclate i brought her for xmas, can i geta woop woop?. So a grand total of 211 cals, Yeah, :D and erm, i'm gun' work out a bit tomorrow, but i have an exam i'll be ready. Saw rob too, :D ahhh he's so cute we went to go see i am legend, really sad film, my mate said it was funny, he said i was beautiful :D good times, and we talked on grit bins smoking, after, and i was late for work, but it was worth it, i think.. well i hope so. x

And last year, i took my measurment i was 
waist, 25.5"
Hips, 34.95"
 and now i'm
Waist, 24.5"
Hips, 32.8"

get in, i think it just takes time, alot of time, i never realised how fat i was i always thought i was just skinny, but i've lost 2inches off my hips, 2inches of fat, i'm so self involved, i didnt notice, *Blurgh* But i've still got the same hip to waist ratio, get in, again. :D one more inch.. x

Stats; Height, 5'6.7"
           Weight, 106.2 lbs
           Bmi, 16.8
Good, but still 16.8 is such a BIG number, i just Can't lose! I kinda want to cry, i'm soooo confused, i'm not going to my first lesson, cus i'm gunna try work out abit, I'm soo pissed, i ate , 436cal (it keeps changing lol) but i nearly binged, i ended up eat one biscuit, (55cal) on top of, stir fry, 248.5cal, cereal bar, 60cal, chikoo, 73cal, and lots and lots of water. i did 300 sit ups, and my stomach Hurts, becuase i've been slacking. But to lose 3lbs a month i was to have consume 10,500cal less than i need, 3,500cal a lb, so i can only have 232cal a day, not going well, i'm just such a slacker, i'm so upset at myself, i never try hard enough, grrr, and i HAte feeling sorry for myself i really need to sort it out. I just wanna get to 104, which should take a week, hopefully, (need a time frame) and once i get there i'll soooooo be ready, and motivated, to get down to 100, and then 95lbs. YAY! but i'm so far off, techinically it should take 4weeks, in time for my birthday, i just hope i dont' get too thin. but, if i keep on like i am then it's most likely to take 5-6 weeks, all i can think about is binging.. and i know i will friday i really can't it'll mess everything up including my frame of mind, and i'll just binge all w/e and never get down to 95, just keep going up to 110. *shudder* I NEED to do this, for myself, i Need this, i need to make myself understand, some times i forget how important this is. *sigh* i Need to lose 12lbs, i just wish it didnt take so long. I know i can do it. x

 

today i ate, 
1/2pepper, 15cal
250ml Smoothie 133cal
Can Diet Coke 1.5cal
Diet Red Bull 7cal
A piece of sushi, 24cal
= 180.5cal taddaaaahh

all good, but then i had dinner; (wasn't even hungry BLAH)

1/4 of a peice of quiche 225cal!!
A cob of Sweetcorn 121cal!
130g Potatoes 96.35cal
=442.35

=622.85

UUhh uhh
grrr..

but it's ok because it's still below 1000cals, and i walked at least a mile today, 30 minutes, 48cals, and did 100 sit ups, 72cals so thats,

 622.85
-120
=502.85cals not bad.

But to be totally honest right now i would love some of those rich tea triangular, milk chocolate cover, gorgeous, absolutely lucious. MMMMMMM biscuits, i'm Soooo gald we have none in the house. i am actually starving. But i know as some as i eat more, i won't like feeling full again, and then want to feel empty.. bad times.

Ok so i'm 108lbs. I shoudl be revising but i'm not so i'm hungry becuase that's what i do when i revise i HATE putting on wieght and not being able to eat i feel like a failure i'm really stressed out i really want a ciggerette but "i can't smoke at home"  Badtimes. pffftttttttt! and i found out last night this boy, max, i got with like last month, but didnt sleep with thank good, shagged my 'mate' twice!! two weeks after then and then buggered off and said he fancies my 16yrold mate. I hate him. HE'S so URGH! and me and mate we talkiung about him in the toilets, and she was saying that he was jealous that i was with this boy that night; rob; and i was like nahh w/e he's always grumpy rah rah, and then apparently his ex, who btw, claimed he raped her a week before i went round his a got with him, which was the only reason it happned becuase he was soo upset about it told him what we'd said. AhhhHHHHHHH. Girl needs to die i wanna kick her face in; stamp on her rib cage i hate her, i hate him i don't get why she thought it was her buisness to tell him and how they're not friends like rape is serious she's such a LITTLE GIRL. GGGGGGRRRRRRRRR ahh i HATEthis. and to make it worse i'm 48kg and it's gun be christmas And i'm procrastinating, i hate myself. i just wanna be shot. i just don't know what to do, like i should postive bcuase rob is soo nice but i just focus on the shit,i can't handle anything i'm shit person,  well i feel like one, like inside,, but some times i feel so wonderful. LIke times when i feel soo ugly, and then other i feel soo soo beautiful. But right now i'm just worthless. i just don't get why max is so mean, i feel like such a fool. SUCH a fool. why am i so dumb?

 it's thursday, so i've no work, i ate 900calories (roughly) today, *SHAME* what is up with that!  but i did run alot better than i did yesterday, i Am getting better. But i don't wanna eat too too much tomorrow. i kno i'll get pissed and just be like "AHHH chocolate" like cookie monster on crack. i dont wanna be weak, but i just wanna be able to let myself go a little bit, but that's the thing i do it too much! i'm confusing myself.. But i'll revise tomorrow and run, and do some sit ups and get ready and look really nice and try and feel better, and eat heathy just hope i don't get carried away. I hope tomorrow goes ok. i dunno wat i'm gun' do when i'm out with this boy, but i'm well happy he wants to see me again. I haven't been on a date for soo long, i felt like people just flirted with me for a laugh.
i'm sure it'll sort itself out. I've not got that far to go..
just 10.4lbs. I think i'm overestimating my willpower. it'd be good, if i lost an ounce aday if it wasn't for christmas slap ruddy bang in the middle, god damn. why was jesus born in december? or said to be. Oh well you can't win 'em all,i don't gain weight that easily, but i've never been this low, so i don't know.. *thinks* i really want to cut bits off my hips off, but then it'll just make me look more like a boy. I want to be curvy, but i don't want over hang, at the moment i have over hang and no curves, what's up with that?! i think someone miss heard me and mixed my proportions.
 ever since i found out i'm an inch smaller than i thought i so wanna get to a bmi of 15, i know it makes no difference what height you are kinda, but i don't want perfection i want imperfection, and self control. 
I went out on Tuesday and felt really good cus i'd lost 4lbs, and i wore my new size 6 jeans And highheels to impress this lad i know, and we were playing pool, doubles, and he didn't give me one bloody look, he was jus wrapped up in this really pissed mate of mine, it was her birthday but he kissed her on the head and like puppy dogged her around all night, i just wanted to scream: LOOK I'M STICKING MY BUM OUT! I'M A SIZE SIX!!! lol that sounds weird but d'you get what i mean, in the pool context. I just felt stupid, i feel stupid now for bending over the table, like a bit of a hussy but it is how you play but pfft. didnt have to play uite like that, grrrr. this what i mean by i NEED SELF CONTROL. i need to sort it out man. 
BUT date tomorrow optimism, I really hope i do everything i need to tomorrow, i can't fail my exams. 
x

ok ok  not just an apple a smoothie too.

Today started really well and i only ate one apple, i was so proud, just to make up for my binge drink last night.. i'm so bad.. if only spirits counted towards your five a day, and then i went for a jog.. i run like nepoleon Dynamite *cringe* i just don't know how to do it.. but it was embarassing. i ran like 50 metres and walked 100.. but exercise is exercise, (i'm more of an anorobic) and then i found this list i made 4monthes ago and on it i said i wanted to be 48kg, and i'm well nearly there, 48.3.. Urgh, and then i came back from work and my mum made me dinner, jacket potatoe and i ate it all, and now i'm hungry. I'm so annoyed. i swear she was watching me eat it *shudder* i know it's not loads but i really didn't want to, usually i eat because i can't control myself, but i wasnt even hungry i just ate so i didn't cause hassle. I'm annoyed at myself for not thinking of a way to get out of it. grr.  
letting myself down.